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Looking at the lives we see flash by on social media, everyone is living their best lives. New apartments or homes. Children. New spouses or relationships. Celebrations. Success. Each image is a snapshot of the happiest moments of a person's life.
Life plays out in a series of pictures and videos, a highlight reel of our greatest hits. But in between each snapshot is where life happens. The gritty, dirty, muddy struggles of life. Struggles make for great redemption arcs on television or movies, not dinner table conversation.
In our most vulnerable moments, we sit in silence and darkness. Those gritty moments shape and build us so we can bask in the glow of highlight-reel moments. We flock to an audience's admiration in those moments of success and brilliance.
There is value to suffering alone. We run from others. It can be cathartic to sit alone in our sadness and pain. To write about or reflect on the feelings we are experiencing.
We solder on because it is what the tough people do. Fighting through on our own to avoid burdening others. Yet, when we run away from others, we may be running from those who can help us. Others who are willing to shoulder our burdens with us. To help us through. It is okay to share your vulnerability.
Robin Williams had it all. Fame, fortune. He got to make people laugh for a living. He could support charities, and his mere presence made people feel warmth and happiness. He brought smiles to millions of people.
I find the brightest stars shine because they must overcome the most darkness. It is okay to be strong and shoulder your life's pains. It is also okay to share them with others, someone who may, at least, be able to listen. It may be vital to seek others who can relate to your struggles and help you find a way to heal or overcome them.
Specifically, 43% of Americans report feeling isolated from others. Twenty-seven percent feel they have no one in their lives who genuinely understand them (1).
Dream chasers, driven leaders, and goal-getters can feel alone more often. They are on a journey few people may understand. A trip with more drastic ups-and-downs than the typical person may experience. This doesn't count the everyday life situations we all face.
"Emotional pain can activate the same stress responses in the body as physical pain. When this goes on for a long time, it can lead to chronic inflammation (overactive or prolonged release of factors that can damage tissues) and reduced immunity (ability to fight off disease). This raises your risk of chronic diseases and can leave a person more vulnerable to some infectious diseases." (2)
As important as it is to remain consistent and work hard, mental health is essential to success.
"Different people may be lonely for different reasons, and so a one-size-fits-all kind of intervention is not likely to work because you need something that is going to address the underlying cause." (3)
While I cannot address every situation and am not a doctor, I can offer advice that has helped me tremendously.
Everybody Struggles
Everyone who has lived has had struggles. They have suffered. Not getting the car you wanted for your birthday isn't as severe as disease or food shortages. We all suffer something.
Regardless of your pain, others have struggled through the same or similar. Between positive Facebook and Instagram posts is the struggle
Same as you not sharing your pain; they keep theirs hidden.
No matter how often we may hear these stories somehow, our situation is different. Every success story starts with suffering. It burrows through the struggling, suffering, straining, and stretching before emerging on the other side.
Join a Social Group
"Researchers at the University of Queensland in Australia have also found that older adults who take part in social groups such as book clubs or church groups have a lower risk of death" (4)
Studies have shown positive health benefits of being in groups.
Aside from the health benefits, people are pack and herd creatures. We belong in a tribe, a group, a community. Find groups to volunteer your time or share your knowledge. It doesn't have to be related to the struggle but sometimes, finding support is the most crucial activity.
Social groups provide a wealth of knowledge for individual members. It's surprising the insight you can get from people you may not expect.
Seek to Serve
Find a group or organization you can serve. Providing advice to others in similar situations as you. Donating food and clothes or spending time teaching classes to those in need.
Find a way to turn your pain into something positive for them. When we give to others, our focus shifts away from our pain and to the welfare of others.
It is a psychological trick. Our brains only have so much ability to focus. As a result, you can only truly focus on one or two things at a time. Where you put your focus is where the attention goes. Suppose you shift focus from your own suffering and direct it in the service of others. In that case, you tend to, temporarily, forget your own issues.
What's Next?
These tips are not substitutes for real psychological or medical help. These little tactics have helped me and have assisted others. But we all have our own reasons for what we feel. Simple activities and functions may not be enough to overcome everything.
Often, these things take time to resolve, if they ever can be resolved. Explore some unique ways to approach these feelings.
Understand everyone struggles to one degree or another. Not everyone will have it as difficult as you, and others may be more. When you understand that everyone struggles, it's easier to seek support. Struggles can also help us strengthen our lives.
Joining social groups are a great way to get help. A group can help you develop new skills and shift your mindset from the pain to another activity. Other people have unique experiences and wisdom. You never know when, where or from whom the most significant breakthroughs emerge.
Seek out organizations and groups where you can serve others. Volunteering at soup kitchens, homeless shelters, or helping a beach clean up. You get different perspectives on life and the struggles others go through. You can find a more significant, deeper purpose while helping others.
Just like you need a team to succeed in business, a team can keep your life on track. I genuinely hope if you feel like you are struggling, these words will help you. Find others you trust for support.
References
(1) GoodTherapy Editor Team. (2018, August 20). Isolation. Good Therapy. https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/isolation
(2) Loneliness and Social Isolation — Tips for Staying Connected. (2021, January 14). National Institute on Aging. https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/loneliness-and-social-isolation-tips-staying-connected
(3) APA. (2019, May). APA. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2019/05/ce-corner-isolation
(4) BMJ Open, Vol. 6, No. 2, 2016 (https://bmjopen.bmj.com/content/6/2/e010164)